Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
