you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
