I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
