Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
