i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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