How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
