I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
