She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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