If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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