So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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