I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
