We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
