the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
