then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
