dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
