Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
