cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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