I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
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i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.