Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...