i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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