smell my finger.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
