My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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