Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
