I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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