I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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