Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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