I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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