Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
