two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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