A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
