i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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