Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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