I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm having to shit out rocks
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
