Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
