apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
