We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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