I haven't been this sober since birth.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
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You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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