He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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