I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
