you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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