and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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