Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
