; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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