In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It was confusing and full of hummus
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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