I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
