she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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