I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
