Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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