I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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