My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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