are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
