Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
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Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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