can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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