Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im having a threesome with these popsicles
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
