he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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