in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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