i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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