i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
