I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
